#5. In Between Worlds Part 1
Where I talk about a post-apocalyptic series and what led to making it. Including: dramatic messages from the Great Beyond, a quest for the Philosopher’s Stone of having a true path, and all that good stuff.
Check out the art here.
Show notes
The unbelievable and smart and gorgeous David Foster Wallace commencement speech — by all that is sacred, if you’ve never heard it, listen to it!
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TRANSCRIPTION
I was at home one day, and I was looking at the leftovers of my past art life. I have, hmmm about 10 finished works left here, paintings and drawings. And I was there wondering how to sell them in a fun way.
Because, frankly, selling in the classic way which involves social media, galleries, et cetera. It's a painful thing for a lot of artists, I really think so, it's often painful. Like, it's alarmingly close to being a whore. Like, you're a whore, out on the street, showing your insides. You are not even showing your body, you're showing your insides to anyone who will look and try to sell that. It's like, hardcore. And if the work is sincere at all, which I believe it was for me, man, it's really vulnerable. And people tell you the worst things. Like, some of those things, they haunt you for decades.
So, yeah, selling like that, it can be really tough, but also, it's kind of boring. I mean, I like shows and stuff, but... Either way, about the work. So, I was just looking at that and… how about a podcast? That’s really the funnest way I could think of selling those things. And so here I am, telling you a little bit about the context and what was on my mind. What the work meant to me? Why I did that? Those things.
And so, the thing is that I have, I'm not gonna go on making visual art in the way that I used to, and the reason is simply because I've changed way too much for this work to stay relevant for me. I'm very happy I did it. I think this is really cool work. But, , I'm done.
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Hello, dear listener. I hope you're doing wonderful. It is sunny today. And I am glad. And so, today, I wanted to tell you about a whole series this time, a whole series of works, not just an individual one. It's a whole series of paintings, and I'm gonna do it in two parts. There's quite a few of them. I don't even know how many, and honestly, I'm not very interested at this point. I am actually not conducting an inventory. I'm just trying to talk about this series as a whole, and I thought that the context is interesting in this case.
Basically, it features, again, life in addiction. reaching a bottom, bottoming out, somewhere in the middle of making the series, a crazy couple of messages from above, let's put it that way. Or from beyond or from below, or from somewhere else. Anyway, , Some dramatic messages that I received, and then an interesting process as well. I think. I mean, in terms of how I made the paintings themselves and the process that I used in order to do that. I think that one is, a bit special compared to the other times, like in the other works that I have done.
And so, at the time, it was about, like, around 2014 or 15, and I was working a lot of cushy day jobs on the side. And they were making me very miserable. And by 2014 or 15, I came to the conclusion that, you know, I really wanted to make art as much full time as possible, and so I started downgrading my lifestyle. And that began a series of, you know, sometimes that happens in life, that we have alterations that happen very hidden inside, like it really doesn't show at first. It really happens below the level of consciousness, but those tiny switches can make a huge difference. And the ultimate thing, you know, it's like that image of the plane, that, if you change the navigation by one tiny little degree, you know, you end up at a completely different place. And that's really, that kind of, that kind of change looked like nothing to the naked eye, to me, when it happened. And I found that most of the important changes in my life happened that way, in a very organic, very tiny at first, little seed being planted. And I trust that more and more, even though it's so anti, you know, climactic or how can I say that? It like doesn't look big and dramatic. But it actually works much better and it's much more powerful.
And just to give a little bit more background. Again, I was really in addiction, very concerned with how I looked, but I mean, basic trauma of thinking that's the only thing that people will value me for. And also, a crazy loneliness, and isolation, and a craving to have community, but not even knowing that it could be possible.
But so, that's the background, and I remember that one day, I was sitting on the couch, just, you know, doing nothing, just looking in front of me, you know? And all of a sudden, I had that realization… It’s not a realization. That's not what it was. It was a message, a very clear message. Now, you can call it whatever you want, you could say it's a message from a subconscious origin, from your psyche somewhere somehow. Or that it's a very authoritative type of thought? Like, you can rationalize it in that way and that would, that's totally valid. Or you could say that it's a message from another source than yourself.
The sense I have made of that, personally, like, I don't know where it comes from, but I don't, I don't know if you ever had that kind of message. To kind of message where all of a sudden there’s a, all of a sudden there's a knowing. And it's very clear, very authoritative, quite calm, like it's nothing… it doesn't sound dramatic, but it sounds very matter of fact, very clear. Very authoritative.
And my sense is that, I don't know if you know of that concept, because I don't know who's going to listen to this at all, but the idea of the Daemon. That would be, like, kind of that. A kind of spirit, sometimes even a god. Sometimes just a spirit. That is in charge of having you have the destiny, the fate that you're supposed to have, or the destiny you're supposed to have. And so it will guide you in one way or another. I think it was Socrates, who had a Daemon that said only what he should not do. So he, you know, whenever something was not to be done, he would feel or hear that Daemon go like, no, no, not that way. So that's that's the story. And I sense that that's probably what it was. That being said, you want to call it a spirit or part of your psyche or whatever you want to call it. I don't care, but that's my sense.
And that message was very clear, and the message was this. If you don’t put your spiritual life at the center of your life, if spirituality, if your spiritual commitment is not at the center of your life now, you are going to get into a car crash and lose your legs. So, that's intense. I know. I have an intense Daemon. I'm not subtle that way, you know? I like it though. Thank God for, you know, unsubtle messages. At least I got it, you know, through my thick skull.
But so I had that image of me in a car crash, like in my car, with basically my legs being out. Like either severed or crushed, you know, like whatever that was, but the idea was, you're gonna end up in a wheelchair. And I heard that message loud and clear. at the time. It was, I think it was, I had that those kinds of messages only 3 times in my life, I think, that I can really identify. There were smaller occurrences, but they're not so common, and and two of those moments were really… like 2 of those messages, it was really, really something serious and important. I think.
And so, I think, if anything, you know, that Daemon thing, that voice inside of me that was like, if you don't do this, basically, the car crash situation, the intensity of that idea of, you know, losing your legs and stuff. I think it's really that sense of, look, you are meant to be on a path, and if you're not gonna do it, I'll make you.
And it is true that immense suffering and shock. does have a way of putting a lot of people on a spiritual path. I mean, you could find other ways to deal with it, but honestly, it's probably, I believe, the most efficient. Simply, like simple as that. Or effective is maybe the word I'm looking for. I will talk more about, you know, I will talk about the 2nd time I had that message later, probably in part 2 of this episode, the sequel. We'll see.
But either way. I heard that loud and clear, and I was like, Okay, then. And so I went on my way. And at the time, I was kind of looking for what you could call an ecology of practices. Or, like, how do you call those? You know, like, kind of, of place, how do you call that again? Let me look it up because it's a pretty stupid word. I mean, it's easy. It's nothing crazy. Give me a sec. That's it. It's an ecosystem. Jesus. I don't know why I couldn’t come up with that word. So I was looking for an ecosystem. Basically, somewhere, because I was completely lost and I really didn't know anything about that. I mean, I did know some stuff, of course. I'd read a bit, you know? I had read some on Buddhism, some on Sufism, some and all those things. You know, I was just looking for a path that would be more like esoteric, you know? I'm not so much into, like, the outward facing, kind of, of religious stuff. It's not so much my dope, not that I'm against it or anything. No offense to anyone who's into that. But I was looking for stuff, and so I had read some, and I had had conversations and listened to a lot of things about it and stuff, but I was still quite lost, and I thought that you were supposed to enter some form of path, which is great, but, for me, like, I mean, anyway, that seemed like a good 1st step.
And I got in touch, I remember at the time, I got in touch with a Lama, for instance, whether it's one of the people that I contacted. Who was the Lama of a Tibetan Buddhist center close to where I live. And she was very cool. Clearly, she was someone who had had a past life that was, you know, where she was a little bit wild, and I remember googling her and finding stuff about her that was kind of nice, that showed me that she wasn't a goody goody, which was my terror, to find people who were all goody, goody, and who... I don't know, had always been like that. Simply because I couldn't relate, you know? So I could relate to her, and she made me feel comfortable. She was, yeah, really wise and really cool, and we talked some about what I was looking for, basically.
And then I also met with some, you know, met up with some Sufis and spent some time there as well. They had that awesome master, an old master who was really cool. He had that house/center. I mean, it was his house and around that house were congregated all kinds of places for people to stay and sleep. Do you know, for kind of… like whatever the North African Sufi version of a retreat is. So for events and chanting and, and talks, and also you had people who lived there like year round. It was so strange. It was like, it was awesome. Seriously, you had that house, like the master's quarters, and then you had all those different other houses, and then you had like kind of, how would I call those things? You know, like, sort of city made of what? I don't even know what it was, a kind of labyrinth of a little city that felt like it was underground almost. I saw the strangest things when I went there. I went there the year after. I traveled all the way to the mountains to be in that place, and it was again completely magical. I gotta say, if you're gonna go on the spiritual path, one of the coolest things is that you're gonna experience a lot of magic.
But either way, I really looked a little bit everywhere. And I also remember that at the time I heard that talk by David Foster Wallace. I'm going to link it in the show notes. Because it's, it's an amazing talk. if you haven't heard it. It's very well known. But again, I don't know who's listening to this, so. It's very well known. It's titled, This is Water, which is a name that was given to it afterwards. He didn't give it that name as far as I know. It's a commencement speech where he basically makes a case for having a form of spiritual approach to life. I'm not even sure if you could really say that that's the case he's making, but basically he's making the case that, as adults, we worship, all of us worship something. Even though we might think we're atheists. We might think that we're not worshiping anything. It is not true. We are worshiping things. Whether it is our own intelligence, our own beauty, other people's judgment, whatever it is, there is something that will control our choices. And, I mean, he makes the point so well you should like totally listen to it if you haven't.
And so he's like, okay, look, you're gonna worship whether you want it or not. So might as well worship something that's not going to hurt you and fucking run you to the ground. Like, because anything, and it is true, I have found that to be very true, is, anything I worship that is not some form of Stuff outside of me that could act as a benevolent entity. You know, like, even like nature or science or what, it doesn't really matter, but whatever it is, it should not be a human being and it should not be something that does not have your, you know, your interest at heart, or that is not benevolent or constructive or whatever, but anyway.
Okay, I should go back to my point. Very cool talk. Listen to it if you haven't. But I was listening to that, and he made such a great case, and at the time, I grew up in a very rational, materialistic society where if you mentioned the word God, or the word, I mean, God, it's just one word like another, you know, in terms of the spiritual stuff. God or any kind of experience that involved Things that were unknown and invisible and, you know, like people would look at you like you were nuts, basically, and you probably needed medication. And so, it's really the 1st time that I started really considering, okay, it actually makes logical sense, simple, logical sense, to have some form of God or some form of, you know, like the, what, what did he say, he was talking about the 4 noble truth or that kind of stuff. Like, you know, whatever, set of higher principles or a higher principle, somehow, it makes sense to try to worship that and follow that instead of my own ego. Or whatever other people say or whatever it is that I would worship at the time and God knows, I worshiped a lot of things, mostly fear. Which is a shitty god to have, fear. And I didn't realize how afraid I was, at the time, but basically fear was controlling everything. It was very unconscious still.
Either way, going back to my point, Big transitions inside. So big changes were happening inside of me. You know, when you take those kinds of decisions, these decisions actually really transform a life when you start making them… of, you know, I'm going to choose what I'm going to worship. I'm gonna choose what's going to affect my decision making.
I also listen to a lot of reports of near death experiences, to have a look at, you know, what was common. I mean, in other words, I was in full existential mode, which is a perfectly fine mode to be in, anyway.
And during all those changes, and me starting to engage in certain spiritual practices, et cetera, I started, like I had another of those crazy spiritual experiences that I've had before. It was my 3rd one by that time, I think, and it lasted for about 2 or 3 weeks. Maybe I'm not gonna go into details about this, but let's say that it was a very magical spiritual experience I had during that time, where, okay, just that might be helpful to share, I, for most of those 3 weeks, I was in two places at the same time. That's how I experienced existence for those, for that time. I was both, you know, living the classic normal life, but at the same time, I could constantly kind of smell. I'm not sure if you can say that it's a smell. It's a form of sense of smell that is not physical, but it's still smell. And it has happened to me a lot with spiritual experiences, that certain senses are not material senses like body senses exactly, but they're still the same senses as we have, except they are imaginal, spiritual. I'm not sure what you call them. And I smelled just a certain wonderful smell all the time. I felt myself, you know, my body felt in another space. And that space was, you know, really another time and other place, which I will not describe here, but that was the thing.
And I started having those visions. So, I'm not talking, like, crazy Joan of Arc visions. I'm saying, like, basically whenever I closed my eyes, I saw those things animated. Those visions, and they really touched me very strongly, and they really caught me. I mean, yeah, I guess it was, like, Joan of Arc. No, just kidding. But they really had a quality that wanted me to act on them. And it was the 1st time that I, I've ever had that, and I was pretty, very touched by them, very moved by them.
So, basically, the visions were, landscapes of complete and utter destruction and like, like a desolate landscape. Clearly that had been completely destroyed. All those landscapes were urban and you could see all the, you know, destroyed buildings. It was all gray. There was no life. If there was any vegetation, it was dead. So, you know, black trees without, you know, without leaves, et cetera. No life whatsoever, no humans, no animals. And the only place maybe where you had something going on was, either there was fog or mist. Especially in the beginning, the 1st visions were foggy or misty. Or, there was some form of sky, a weird sky light. Like the light was strange in the sky. And as I was seeing those, I started seeing those spirits. those entities. I didn't know at the time what they were, but basically there were figures with costumes on them, like so what looked like costumes, very colorful. And. And they entered those landscapes slowly, and in a very deliberate way, but very slow. Kind of eerie. And it was mostly processions of figures.
And as I said, at the time, I didn't know what it was, but I found it, I don't know, very touching, very moving and I don't know. I didn't know why. I think, I mean, I talked about that in an article a few years ago, but my whole childhood, I, and teenage years and I would say early 20s, I had a lot of apocalypse dreams. And those apocalypse dreams were always wonderful. They were just pretty gorgeous. They were very beautiful, not at all depressing. And so, an idea of something completely destroyed and desolate, but then something beautiful happening right after, didn't feel foreign to me at all. It felt very right.
As so I started trying to paint them. I really had to step up my technique quite a bit in order to be able to paint that stuff because I couldn't draw it. It was too big, with landscapes and stuff. I mean, forget about drawing that stuff. But, and plus they were, like, cool colors that, yeah, I couldn't, like, no way I could do that in drawing. So I really had to work on my technique to start doing it. And in the beginning, they all like, they look really bad and awkward. But after a while, I kind of, you know, started… Yeah, I kind of got the hang of it. I had to learn how to paint, you know, like, Cars that were crashed or, rubbles, you know, of buildings, concrete, and everything, which I had never done. I'm very used to organic textures, you know, skin, teeth, nails, eyes. Tongues, like all that organic stuff. I'm very used to that. And so it was very hard for me to switch into more mineral and , you know, metallic textures, et cetera.
And so, so I started making them and I realized when I was making them that I was being guided into a set of rules. So I didn't know that that was, but it turned out that they did have rules. And so really, I could not have anything alive. So at some point, you know, I was thinking, oh a bird would look really cool there. Oh, you know? A tree with leaves, or, and every time I was like, no.
If you have ever made anything in your life, you know that we have a feedback loop, and especially if it's something that's supposed to be aesthetically pleasing in one way or another, whether it's music, whether it's, I don't know, you're making cake and you want it to look good. You get dressed and you want that to look good. There's a feedback loop, a natural feedback loop, that is aesthetic in nature. So you’re just like, you know, put on the sweater and be like, oh no, that looks like shit with those pants. That's not what I got. Sometimes I would add an element that looked really good and I was really happy with, and plus, you know, because my painting chops weren't so great, I was really proud of myself. But the message was, nope, that does not work. You cannot add this. And so I had to wipe it out and keep going.
And so the rules were basically: no individual. There couldn't be any individual face recognizable. Ideally, it shouldn't look like a human at all, they should be completely covered. Or they can have a body and look human. However, they shouldn't have an identity. So if you see the face, It should be covered, and indeed, the only faces that you see in those works, they have sunglasses, or they have eyes closed and face paint, and like you can't really, really, They are not really people. It's not about that. And that's a very important part of it. The 2nd point is they really, like seriously, should not be anything that is alive. Also, mostly it should be a kind of like, warm gray, shades of gray in the back and the only color should be either some on the sky and even then not too much color. And on the actual figures themselves. So, and there's more, you know, most of them. I mean, it came intuitively, so it's not a set of rules that is obvious, of course, but that's like, that's the main part of it.
And I also started understanding what those figures were doing because in the beginning, I had no idea. And I realized that, what was going on, is that the war had completely destroyed… A new world was to be created. But in between, a certain number of processes had to happen, a certain type of, like, a certain number of operations had to be conducted, let's say. Before the new world could be born. And those were of the nature of mostly purifying, protecting, but really cleansing, all the last influences of energies that led to the destruction of that world, that previous world. And then calling, invoking the world anew.
And so some of those spirits or figures were really watchers. They were really there to go on reconnaissance missions, and look at if there was any, anything left in the atmosphere, in the, in the vibe. They were there to make sure that the vibe was right. And if it wasn't, they had to identify whatever was still left. Other ones were clearly more like martial in nature and were more, I mean, ready to kick ass, basically.
And then some others were singers. And invokers of new realities, or would have songs of grief. Because the grief had to be also really completely enacted. And so you can see those, you know, there's one in particular that is really a song of grief. So mourning the world, you know, that just died.
And so for me, that was quite hopeful in a way. But at the time, I didn't know any of that. I just started making those paintings, and I didn't realize that, but I was quickly approaching a hardcore bottom where I almost died.