S02 | How I Came to Love my Body
In honor of the upcoming Venus retrograde in Scorpio, I decided to share with you what the tipping point was for my relationship with my body — and yours! After decades of struggling with eating disorders — anorexia and bulimia — and a TON of work and facing of my fears, something magical happened that radically transformed how I relate to my body.
I hope this helps anyone, in any way. If you’re currently struggling with an eating disorder, or have a loved one who is, don’t hesitate to get in touch. I can listen.
If you enjoyed this episode, you know what to do to help me: like & subscribe, drop a review, all that stuff… And shoot me a message if you want to comment or ask a question. I’d be touched.
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TRANSCRIPT
I'm feeling that beat. I'm feeling it. Yeah. Yes. Let's do this. I'm just gonna sing this. I don't even care.
[music]
thing we call spirituality. Ouch. That's a very long word. It's a very, very long word. I know. If you like it, get on the newsletter so I can message you shit. Oh, that's going up. I should just, I'm supposed to switch to head. Yeah, it's your passaggio. Okay, that's how it's going. Let's go on, let's go on.
So if you like it, get on, get on. Where are we in the melody?
I don't even know anymore.
I'm all over the place. So, if you like it, get on the newsletter so I can message you shit and really like once in a while, really not often, I promise. Sing this! And then all the old classics apply. No, classics apply. Every time it sounds like I'm saying
classics applies, it sucks. The classics apply. Like and subscribe. And that's it. Let's get on with the show. Baby. You're supposed to say baby in songs, so I just wanted to say that. Hello you. I hope you're doing good. I do. I actually do hope so.
And today I wanted to tell you about how I learned to love my body. I don't think I have to explain why that could be interesting in today's world to learn that, but here we go. I mean, at least I wasn't there before and now I am. So... Let's try this.
I think that if you've listened to the podcast before, especially the first season, you know that I have been in the throes of eating disorders, and specifically in my case, anorexia. And on top of that, I developed binge and purge, you know, bulimia, which tends to happen to Any good successful anorexic, although it depends, but it's common.
And I stayed stuck in that thing for 21 years. You can imagine that I didn't love my body whatsoever. My body was a place of unsafety, was a place that I needed to control, was a tool that I would use to, you know, have certain reactions from people.
And when I say my body, I mean the whole body. That includes the face. Like every, like, you know, that vessel in which I carry myself. And I really, yeah, I didn't love it at all. What can I say? I submitted it to torture over and over again.
I remember that When I was still in addiction like that, you know, in anorexia, which is a crazy addiction. I mean, it's very, very addictive to starve, strangely enough. A lot of people can't understand that, but it actually is a high. There's a high of power and self-control that feels so safe.
And the safety of being very skinny, just, I don't know, for people like me, it feels extremely safe. Or at least it felt safe. Extremely safe to restrict. Either way, let's go on to what I'm trying to say. And so for years and years, I was very disconnected from that body and really using it as a tool,
hurting it so much. And hurting it, of course, because there was so much self-hatred. And so much of a sense that in order to be acceptable, I needed to have a certain... Appearance, which granted, the society really encourages that. So I wasn't like I came by it very honestly.
But so I got into recovery at some point, very late in the game. I mean, it took me decades and I had no idea that you could actually recover from it using the motto of addiction. People told me that it was a phobia of food, that it was issues with my mom.
That it was something that would never leave me, that I would always struggle with. And I can tell you that is not true. I've been nine years clean from that stuff. And I am one of the most healthy people I know when it comes to food. And I really mean like top three people I know, baby.
Like I'm super healthy today. And so it is possible to recover. But it's a doozy. I mean, it's hard. Anyway, so I got into recovery and I started basically looking at how I was treating my body. I was looking at how I was doing everything, honestly,
because addiction in general is something that is caused by a whole situation, like a whole way of life. It's a way of life. It's a way of thinking. It's a way of looking at the world. It's a way of thinking of yourself. It's all that.
And you need to change that completely if you want to have a chance to actually start. And actually move on to something better than that. And so as I was observing all that thing, and I was especially looking at how I messed up in life and where the places were, you know, what was I afraid of?
What was I pissed off about? How did I mess around with people? Where was I not honest, you know? Where was I not honest? Where was I letting fear drive my actions? All that stuff. And as I was looking at that, I started having a lot of big dreams.
And I would say that at the time, I really got amazing healing dreams. And I'm not somebody who remembers their dreams so much. Like it depends. I think for most people like me, it's like by periods. And that was a crazy period of really, really... Wonderful dreams.
And what happened is that basically I had three dreams in a row that were about my body. And it took like one of them, it really didn't take a PhD to understand that it was about my body, but one of them was more symbolic. And so the first one that I got was early in the process.
I was, so in the dream, I was in an apartment and In the basement of a house. And it was a cool, like nice apartment, strangely enough. It was really big. It was basically in a big, big house. That was really a cool, beautiful house. Outside, you know, there was a big garden around.
And it was honestly, it was a good deal. And the place was really big downstairs. And I had just moved in. To that new place. It felt very fresh, very good. And my housemate was that woman who lived above and who was a really lovely woman too. And I don't know, it felt great.
And I was just there, just moving my stuff in and arranging my place. And all of a sudden, I realized hidden in a corner, there was that dog, a big, big dog, white dog. He was sitting up straight. In a perfect position of, you know, like the guard dog looking like perfectly trained and perfect,
like trying really hard not to move with his head held really up high and looking very stoic as much as he could. But I realized getting closer that he was incredibly skinny. He looked like not only was he skinny, but like there was no water inside of him anymore.
He looked so incredibly skinny and when I got even closer I saw his eyes and they were a pure expression of distress and despair. It was horrible. It was so horrible to see those eyes and meanwhile he was staying all up straight all perfect as perfect as he could just ready to be a good dog you know.
And of course, I love animals and particularly dogs. And I just lost my shit in the dream. And I just ran upstairs. And thankfully, the woman had dog food because she also had a dog. And so I got her food and water. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
And in the dream, I remember that I realized that that dog basically was mine to care for. The whole time, he had been lended to me by friends who said, yeah, we're going to leave... I don't know, like for six months or something to another country and here's our dog.
Will you adopt the dog for those six months? And I accepted, but actually I completely forgot about it. And so that poor dog was trying so hard to be such a good dog and I was just like basically letting him die. I woke up from that dream deeply, deeply touched and realized, yeah, that body's not mine.
It's been given to me for this lifetime. And even if it was mine, like it is not me. And that's a big deal for me. That started shifting my way of looking at things. So I was like, this body is actually not me. It's like an amazing dog. That was the image I got.
I mean, I'm not saying it's the same as, you know, but it's kind of like your animal that takes you everywhere. It's so wonderful. What a beautiful creature. And That really, really changed me when I had that dream. That really changed the deal because before that I saw my body
as either inert matter that I was animating with my brain and that was just like whatever, it's inert, it's not alive. I make it alive by being in it, but it's just like, you know, a suit. People talk about meat suit. I always take issue with that.
I really don't like it when people say that because it's so objectifying, a meat suit. I mean, it sounds like, I mean, come on, right? Like, please. Anyway, like it shows such disdain for the body and the body is alive actually and has its own Consciousness and wisdom and goodness and capacities.
But especially I realized how much it tried so hard to serve me. But so hard it never ever complained. Like it just did not. I heard it so much. And it never complained. And it tried and tried and tried. Always like I want to do this. I want to do that. And it was like yep. Yep.
I'm here. I'm here. I'll take care of things. And I took it completely for granted. I treated it like dirt. I mean, talk about hurting the, you know, actually hurting the people who are your best friends, which is a classic in addiction. Most addicts do that. They hurt people who actually help them and they treat well people
who don't help them treat them well, you know, like that stuff. And with the body, that was the best example of that. So that started shifting my way of looking at my body. I realized it wasn't me and I didn't get to treat it in such a way that it was deeply abusive to a being.
It was basically a being. I also realized at the time, just by thinking, not just, you know, not with dreams, but, you know, if you're about the environment and nature, and nowadays, I mean, a lot of us are, The body is the first place. It's basically, that's my little piece of nature that I have with me.
So if I treat it like dirt, I mean, that says a lot about my relationship to the environment, you know. So that was another realization at the time that I had. And so that was like the first really big one.
And then I had a second dream with the dog again that came in to reinforce the whole thing. And that really shifted my way of looking at my body, that sense of my body is not me and it actually deserves me to treat it well because it's not me, it's my friend.
And I started really having so much affection for it, just by virtue of it being my friend and trying so hard to help me. So that was a big shift. But then I had a second or a third dream, but that was very different in nature.
And I want to tell you about that one because it really blew my mind. And I still think about it and I'm really like, yeah, I'm also very happy about that dream. It really changed things. And this one is about my whole body, including my face, definitely, in the dream.
I was working in some kind of office, like some kind of corporate setting or whatever it was. You know, they're all the same. I was working, I think as an assistant, like a kind of secretary. And there was another woman who was my colleague and who worked on the same stuff as me.
She was kind of an equal in terms of like the place itself. And She didn't have a face I liked, but I remember that she had those big curly hair, red, dark red curly hair that looked really good. And especially she had the exact body that I wanted to have. Like exactly the kind of body I wanted.
And she, seeing my face, wanted my face. She was like, I don't like my face, I want your face. I want a face like yours. And so we made a deal and we decided to swap. Basically to switch bodies. And I don't know how we did that, but we managed. And I found myself in her body.
I mean, that was trippy. I found myself in her body looking at my face, basically looking at myself. And seeing my face from the outside for the first time. And I... You know, imagine that you have, I can't even describe it. It was like I was seeing my soulmate.
It never happened to me in real life to see that. It's just to see a face that you recognize from before you were born. And that is so beautiful to you because it's your person. It's not a matter of physical beauty. It's really a matter of, That face,
that face is the face of my person, you know, my soulmate, the person I love. And it's really not the same as narcissism. It's really a sense of, not like, oh my God, you're beautiful, you're so awesome in that sense, but more like you're beautiful because I love you, because you're mine, because it was just amazing.
And I remember that I regretted my decision, of course, like instantly and quite strongly. I was really like, oh my God, what have I done? I cannot be separate from you. You are mine. Like you're so mine and I so love you. And I know that this is not random. Like we belong together.
And that was like, honestly, it blew my mind. When I woke up, I was like, huh, I had no idea. Like I had no idea. I never saw my body and my face like something that would be predetermined from before birth. And I would feel like such a soulmate type of quality.
Now you can interpret that in many different ways. I choose to believe that the body, including the face, actually really express something deep about the soul. That's me. And possibly there's some kind of... I think what I got from that for myself, you know, without trying to get into,
you know, hypothesis or anything, is that I don't have this body for nothing. I don't have this face for nothing. It needed to be the way it is to come here, do what I need to do here, you know? I don't know if you're following me. Anyway.
I just wanted to tell you about that because today I wouldn't change my body or my face for anything in the world. And it's not that I think I look fucking grand or any of that. I think, you know, I'm fine with what I got.
And some days I look at myself and I'm like, huh, not looking great today. You look exhausted. Look at that. And, you know, some days I'm like, ah, cute. But That doesn't change the fact that I love my body. It doesn't matter whether or not, you know. It's just like that's a constant.
I adore my body and treat it really well today. I've been just, you know, basically making amends to my body for years now. Just giving it the best food that I can. Giving it the best sleep that I can. Giving it the best that I can, basically.
So I wanted to share that just in case that could be helpful to anyone. It has not much to do with the rest of the show, but at the same time, I mean, season one was kind of about, you know, about that kind of thing.
I just wanted to, like, who knows, maybe somebody hears that and it's good for them. So, yeah, I just, also, I'm sharing that out of gratitude for those dreams. I don't know who's sending me those dreams, but thank you to that persona. Um yeah that's also my like I love I love dreams
and I don't even know how we can live the way we live considering we tripping like positively tripping every night and then we keep going with that dumb life that we have here like nothing's going on like nothing's magical. I'll never get that.
Anyway for the rest coming up there will be a conversation with my friend Liba who's a wonderful artist and writer and Just a gorgeous lady. So that's coming up in, what, like a week or two? Like, yeah, like very soon, basically. Oh my God, my calendar. Anyway, so there's that. And also I'm still doing the art hangouts.
So I remind you of the principle, it's free. It's, I mean, there's just basically no strings attached and no further. I just want people to make art and to show up for the art that they want to make. And it doesn't matter if you call yourself a professional artist or an artist or not.
If you have any art, anything that you would like to create that is artistic in nature and that it's been hard for you to show up for it or either it's been just hard to show up consistently or Or you would appreciate some company and some support doing that.
It's just a space for three hours online, twice a week. And we just show up, we make some art. And then after that, if you want feedback, if you want to discuss the art, the direction it's taking or not, or you just want to fuck around and just make stuff and have, you know,
basically friends with you who also want you to make something beautiful and to make what your heart desires, That's a space for you. On my website, I mean, everything is in the show notes and you can have a look at how I talk about it on my website.
And all you need to do is basically DM me on Instagram as long as I'm there. Because honestly, I really don't know if I'm going to stay there. But I mean, seriously, I've been wanting to leave that place for so long. But then again, you know, that's a place where I can connect with you, possibly.
And so, you know, connection is everything. So there's that.
And what else was I going to say?
Yes, you can also send me an email. I mean, everything is in the show notes. And yeah, we'd be happy to see you there. If you have any questions, if there's anything that I'm saying in this show or another, Please don't hesitate to get in touch. You know that nowadays people doing podcasts actually really like that
and are very open to communication. And so use that. People are open. People want to hear about you and talk to you without trying to sell you stuff. Like none of that. So, I mean, you can buy my art. It's not a problem. But I'm just saying. Okay, take great care of yourself.
And I will talk to you soon. Bye.
